Big Brother Kingdom Hearts Edition
by Sugar-tan
Summary: TokyoFreak and SugarBaby, our favorite psychotic therapists, have taken on a new role - kidnapping their Kingdom Hearts friends to compete in Big Brother! 15 characters featured in Kingdom Hearts and 1 guest are trapped - who knows what chaos will ensue!
1. Week One Pt 1

Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition

Written by: SugarBaby

Ideas by: TokyoFreak

TokyoFreak (TF) - Welcome to Kingdom Hearts - Big Brother!

SugarBaby (SB) - I ask that you not be too critical if I mess something up with how Big Brother works, I've only watched one season. FEAR TEH KIWI NINJANESH!!

TF - You're such a square...and not the Enix kind.

SB - (thinks) I don't get it...

TF - (smacks forehead) Dummy, just get started with the story.

SB - Well, because TF refuses to do disclaimers, I'll have to. Kingdom Hearts characters and settings belong to Square Enix. All Disney settings that may be mentioned belong to Disney (no duh).

TF - Yer a sissy.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Kingdom Hearts characters step out of a limo, looking very confused. The authoresses (SB and TF) have kidnapped them from their worlds and taken them to the Big Brother house, where the characters will be forced to live with each other, following all the rules and procedures of the traditional Big Brother house. SB and TF (Sam and Rae) will be hanging out outside the house like Julie Chen (the Chen-Bot, as Rae preffers), watching the cameras and laughing at the idiots.

So, for this season, we have:

Sora

Riku

Kairi

Axel

Luxord

Demyx

Marluxia

Larxene

Xigbar (Rae - But I don't like Bigrax. Sam - WELL I DO!! Wait, I mean I like Xigbar, not Bigrax.)

Cloud

Yuffie

Tifa

Aerith

Cid

Sephiroth, and because Rae requested,

BEETLEJUICE!

Sam - But I wanted Sweeney Todd...TTATT  
Rae - Beetlejuice is funnier. And not emo.  
Sam - JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES RAZORS DOESN'T MAKE HIM EMO!! (runs away)  
Rae - Sure...

Once inside the house, the characters follow big, blinking arrows to the living room, where the giant monitor lights up, displaying Sam and Rae. Rae (along with Beelejuice, who is apparently in on everything) is smiling evily at the victims, and Sam's staring lovingly at Axel.

Rae - Welcome to the Big Brother House, contestants! You will be forced to live in this house until only two of you are left.  
Sam - We will eliminate you by either voting you off, or if you are driven mad by various things.  
Rae - The first week will be survelliance, then next week we'll decide who the Head of Household, or HOH, will be, then we'll do the Veto Competition, then we'll vote someone off.  
Sam - As these events come closer, we'll explain more about them.

Sam and Rae looked at the characters' faces, each showing some different emotion.

Sora - Okay, you lost me at Big Brother.  
Sam - SHUT UP YOU RETARD!! YOU LET AXEL FADE IN KH2!!  
Axel - Fade? What the hell?  
Rae - Don't be mean to the contestants, Sam, or I'll get Sephy to attack you.  
Sephiroth - I really hope you're not reffering to me as Sephy.  
Rae - Yes, and seeing as we are the authoresses, we are in control.  
Sam - Yeah! We'll make you go into a crazed tapdance!  
Axel - I'm still confused!  
Sam - Don't worry, it'll all work out, Axel.  
Cid - Why can't you serve us any goddamn tea?! BE POLITE!  
Rae - And goddamn tea is polite?  
Yuffie - Where's Vinnie?  
Sam - VINCENT! IT'S VINCENT!! And because he wasn't featured in KH, we couldn't kidnap - err, I mean invite him.  
Aerith - Then why is the creepy, foul-smelling dead guy here?  
Rae - 'CAUSE I'M THE AUTHORESS!! AND HE IS TEH COMIC RELIEF IN PLACE OF RENO AND RUDE!!  
Axel- Who the hell is Reno!? Is he better than me?  
Rae - (shifty eyes) Maayybbeee...  
Sam - OKAY LISTEN UP! I'M GONNA GO KIWI NINJA ON ALL YOUR ASSES IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP! Oh, and don't worry Axel. Reno's funnier than you, but you're sexier. Now, Rae will explain how we'll decide the room assignments.  
Rae - There are 5 rooms, 3 of which hold 5 people, 1 for the HOH, and one for the winner of the competition. We'll be gambling to see who stays with who in which room.  
Luxord - I like this game!  
Sam - We're playing BS. Give Rae and me a sec, we're coming in.

Sam and Rae dissapear from the screen in a puff of smoke, reappearing in another puff of smoke.

Sam - KIWI NINJA POOF!  
Rae - THIEF NINJA POOF!  
Xigbar - Hey, they stole my thing! Poofing is my thing!  
Rae - Get over it Bigrax...  
Larxene - Hey, I get it! Marly, let's call Xigbar Bigrax from now on. It's just like calling Superior Mansex!

Marly nods, having no backbone against the only female of Org. XIII. Then, Sam sits down on the floor at the table, shuffling a deck of cards.

Sam - Okay, so here's how it's gonna work. We'll have a tournament of 4 people playing, then the winner of that round will move on to the finals. Once we've gone through all the rounds, we'll have the finals. Whoever wins that will get first choice, second place gets second choice, third gets third choice and so on.  
Rae - You know, you're pretty redundant.

Sam smacks Rae upside the head, starting a wrestling match between the two authoresses.

Cid - 10 bucks on the Theif-Poof chick!  
Luxord - 10 on the Kiwi ninja!

Cid and Luxord shake hands, setting their bets. But, in the end, Sam wins and Cid hands over 10 bucks.

Rae - Hey Sam, look what I've got!

Rae holds up a Winnie the Pooh plush, knowing her friends greatest fear. Sam starts running away, leaving the characters watching in confusion.

Yuffie - Didn't they say they were friends?  
Rae - It's the way we show our love.  
Sam - (screaming) Stop it Rae! We need to get to the game!  
Rae - Oh, all right.

Rae puts the plush away like FF characters hide things in small, random places, then sits down next to Sam and spreads a chart out of the table.

Rae - Here's the tournament breakdown. First up - Sora, Luxord, Cid, and Teef.  
Sam - Or Tifa, for those of you who don't speak my friends crazy language.  
Tifa - But I wanna compete with Clooooouud!  
Aerith - Back off, big boobs! With Zack gone, I need Cloud!

And so, another chick fight erupts, this time between Aerith and Tifa.

Luxord - Place your bets! Will Big Boobs or Pinkie win?  
Sephiroth - 5 bucks on Pinkie! Tifa can't kill her, I have to stab her!  
Cloud - I don't care who wins, I've got chicks fighting for me!  
Maluxia (Marly) - 10 on Aerith! She's so stylish!  
Axel - Tifa! Big Boobs conquer all! (Looks at the fight) Aerith, go for the shirt!  
Riku - Yeah, I agree with the pyro.  
Kairi - 10 on Aerith! Tifa's rack pisses me off...  
Sora - Whoa, she talks like a dude! (stares at Kairi with admiration)  
Sam - 15 on - wait, I mean stop! I'm calling off all the bets! Now go take your seats and watch the short remainder of the fight.  
Rae - Aw, but I was voting for Aerith!

Sam poofs in between the two girls, and Tifa's giant boobs smack her in the face.

Sam - Damn! Those things hurt! Are you sure that they're real?

Then, without waiting for an answer, Sam yanks the two women apart, throwing each onto a couch.

Sam - Hell yeah, pwned by a 1X(use yer imaginations) year old! Now, as we were saying, our first competitors are Sora, Luxord, Cid, and Big Boo - I mean Tifa.

(SB - For time management purposes, TF and I have decided that we'll randomly choose who wins, then announce the winners.  
TF - And by randomly, we mean by rigging the deck!  
SB - (Smacks TF) And the winners are:

Luxord - R.1

Axel - R.2

Beetlejuice - R.3

Yuffie - R.4

So, onto the finals!)

Rae - (is in a skimpy bikini-thing like a NASCAR girl) Okay, now in the last tournament of BS, we'll start with Yuffie! Put down your aces!  
Yuffie - 2 Aces!  
Rae - Next, Luxord! Unless someone wants to call BS? (Silence) Okay, then. Luxord, place your Twos!  
Luxord - (shifty eyes around the table) 1 Two.  
Axel - BS! BS! B FREAKIN' S!  
Luxord - Sorry, ol' chap. You're wrong.  
Axel - (hands burst into flames)  
Sam - Goddammit Axel! Your burning up all my cards!  
Luxord - (Gamble-poof-repairs the cards)  
Rae - Luxord, that was wonderful! Now, it's Axel's turn. Place teh Threes!  
Axel - Fine. 4 threes.  
Rae - Any BS's? No? Okay, then, it's Beetlejuice's turn!  
Beetlejuice (BJ) - 2 fives!  
Yuffie - BS!  
Beetlejuice - Ha, ha! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Now you have to marry me!  
Rae - No holy matrimony in this house!  
Sam - Wait, so I can't marry Axel or Cloud against their will? (pouts)  
Axel, Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa - HELL NO!!  
Yuffie - Aw...I get a pile...and I can't drag Vinnie in here to marry him...  
Rae - As much as I am a Yuffietine shipper, I can't allow that.  
Yufffie- Yuffitine? What's that? Is it me and Vinnie?  
Rae - Yes. Yes it is.

(SB - Alright, TF and I decided that Beetlejuice gets first, Luxord gets 2nd, then Yuffie, then Axel.)

So, Beetlejuice chose the biggest, most secluded room in the house, which also "happened" to be the single person room. Luxord chose the gameroom, seeing as it had a poker table. Yuffie chose the Japanese-style room because it reminded her of Wutai. Axel chose The Red Room, claiming that it was because "it matches my hair!"

Rae - So, now the rest of you will compete in a mad dash to get the room you'd like. There are no rules, so you can beat each other to a pulp for all we care! The last person without a room will have to go into the attic. Did we forget to mention one of the beds was "mysteriously" destroyed? (innocent smile)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - So, TF and I decided to end chapter here, because we have big plans for the room desicion.

Oh, and please don't flame us. Sora will be taking many beating by my character Sam, and TF and I will be making fun of a lot of the characters ('specially that wuss, Sora)

TF - Don't be mean to Sora!  
SB - I'LL BE MEAN TO HIM! HE LET AXEL FADE, GODDAMMIT!  
Axel - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FADE!?  
TF - (Brings out the Dreaded Pooh Plushie of Doom and chases SB) SUFFER A FATE WORSE THAN FAYT'S HAIR DID WHEN HE WAS BORN!!  
SB - I don't think there's anything worse than Fayt Leingod's hair. Well, maybe Marluxia's, but Marly's got some serious issues.


	2. Week One Pt 2

Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition

Written By: SugarBaby

Ideas By: TokyoFreak

SB - Okay, TF and I obviously have nothing better to do if we wrote 3 chapters in one day. And it's not like they're short chapters!

TF - Yeah, we just like working our asses off. SO APPRECIATE US! And review!

SB - Well, we might like working our asses off when we're making fun of KH characters, but we hate school. So, to forget about school, let's jump right in!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We last left off at the very start of the HOH competition, with Larxene going first. Beetlejuice was late to the explanation; he had some "business to take care of, if you know what I mean." He and Yuffie also seemed kinda close, but we're ignoring that for now and we're watching Larxene try to solve the puzzle.

Rae - Remember, Larxene, you only have 5 minutes. Once you reach 5 minutes, we're taking you out and sending the next one in.  
Sam - Ready, set, go! It's time to run. The sky is changing, we are one. Together we can make it - (smacked by Rae) Sorry, I just love Bill! TOKIO HOTEL!! (rabid fangirl twitch)  
Rae - START ALREADY!! And try not to electrocute anything.  
Larxene - Yeah, whatever.

3 minutes and 59 seconds later, Larxene calls out Done, and came out of the room, laughing her ass off.

Sam - So next we have (checks official looking papers) Sora! FAIL IT YOU MISERABLE EXCUSE FOR A MAIN CHARACTER!! ASDFJKL!  
Rae - (whacks Sam with FoD (refer to TokyoFreak's story, Kingdom Hearts Therapy for explanation on the FoD)) I said no more insults!  
Sam - Just get your puffy ass in there, Sora.

Before entering the room, Sora stuck his tongue out at Sam and flipped the birdie.

Sam - THAT'S IT! KIWI NINJA POOF!

And Sam continued with a merciless beating, leaving Sora only a bloodied pulp. He was rushed away by paramedics, put back together, and brought back to complete the challenge. Sam was poofed away, and put in a straightjacket for the rest of the challenge. 4 minutes and 45 seconds later, Sora came out, laughing harder than Larxene had been.

Rae - Because Sam has been deemed crazy, I'll be announcing. Next we have (checks Sam's official looking papers) Demyx. Get in there, you wimp!  
Sam - Leave Demyx alone!  
Rae - She's going crazy!

Paramedics rush in, and stab her with a needle labled In Case Of Cra-zee Authoress. Sam passes out.

Rae - Huh. I'll have to remember to use that.

The contestants looked at her with fear in their eyes. Demyx then rushed into the room so that he could escape the psycho authoress. After 4 minutes and 50 seconds, Demyx came out, trying to hold himself together. He ended up peeing his pants, much to Rae's amusment.

Rae - Okay, so next we have Riku. Do a smexahy job! I mean, good job!

Riku looked at Rae, dry-heaved, and ran into the room. Two minutes later, Riku came out with a smile on his face, which was bright red.

Axel - Wow, Sir Emo-A-Lot is smiling and blushing? We need a camera for future blackmail.

Then, Rae poofs into the room with a camera and takes an assload of pictures.

Rae - I'll send these to you later, Axel. (poofs back to the screen) So, now it's Kairi's turn. Good luck!  
Sam (who's medicine wore off) - Yeah, you'll need it you worthless plot device.  
Rae - (whacks Sam with FoD) Next time, it's more medicine. I won't be mean to Demyx if you'll be nice to Sora and Kairi.  
Sam - Yeah, as much as I'd like for you to leave Demyx alone, I can't do that.  
Rae - I won't bring out Pooh plushie...  
Sam - Sorry, but I hate Sora so much that I'll endure Pooh plushie to cause him pain.  
Rae - Whatever. Good luck Kairi! (takes out 50 Pooh plushies and dumps them on Sam) TAKE THIS!  
Sam - (cowers in fear) So...many...creepy bears...It's like being hugged by the Princesses at Disneyland. (screams crazily and gets another shot)  
Rae - I hope that one's extra strength.

Kairi smiles at Rae, glares at Sam, then walks into the room. Only 90 seconds later, Kairi was back out of the room, laughing.

Kairi - That's a good look for you, Cloud!  
Cloud - What?  
Kairi - Nothin', just wait 'till you solve the puzzle.  
Rae - So, the time to beat is 1:30, set by Kairi! Yay! Now, it's Cloud's turn.  
Cloud - What was she talking about?

After 5 minutes, Cloud walked out, horrified.

Cloud - How did you get that picture?  
Sephiroth - What picture!? If it scares you, I want it!

Sephiroth tried to rush in, but was cut short when Authoress Rae sent him into a crazed tapdance.

Sephiroth - Damn you...  
Rae - No cheatin'! Now, we have Cid.

Cid ended up failing as well, using up all 5 minutes. He came out, laughing.

Cid - Kairi's right! That is a good look, Cloud! Hey, Miss Rae, can I get a copy of the picture?  
Rae - Well, sure, I guess...Alright, your up Marly.

Marly solved it in 3 minutes, actually blushing (and not just from laughing).

Marluxia - (smacks Cloud across the face) You bitch! How dare you use my private stash of tho - nevermind.

But, before he can reach his seat, Aerith and Tifa grab him and beat him up for hurting Cloud. Rae popped popcorn as she watched. When Tifa and Aerith had finished, Marluxia had been reduced to a flowery and bruised puddle. The paramedics managed to fix him, though.

Rae - Alright, you're next Axel.  
Axel - Finally! I gotta see what everyone's talking about.

Axel ended up failing, trying too hard to see the image without actually solving the puzzle. But, as all losers got to, he was shown the image, and proceeded to come out with his face as red as his hair from laughing.

Axel - Very glamorous, Ms. Strife.

Then, like Marluxia, Axel was beaten up by Aerith and Tifa.

Rae - Good thing Sam isn't awake - Aerith and Tifa would've been ground into the carpet. Next, Sephy!  
Sephiroth - Call me that again and my Masamune is going to be good friends with your skull.  
Rae - Meep!

Sephiroth got the next best time at 1:35. He came out laughing as well, and it almost sounded non-evil.

Sephiroth - I can finally beat you, Cloud! Though I hope it's not at cross-dressing.

Instead of beating Sephiroth up, Aerith just took out her white materia again, and Sephiroth ran away screaming like a ninny. Once again.

Cloud - Yeah, beat me. Right.  
Rae - Anyways, it's Big Boo - Teef's turn.  
Tifa- WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME BIG BOOBS?! THEY AREN'T THAT BIG!!1!one!!

All the while, Beetlejuice had been watching the contestants' reactions (and Tifa's boobs) with a smug smirk on his face.

Beetlejuice- Hyuk hyuk...  
Sam (awake by now) - Why are you so happy Beetlejuice?  
Beetlejuice - No reason, babe.  
Sam - Never call me that again (evil un-dead glare of DOOM!)  
Beetlejuice- Yowch, angry?  
Sam - Yeah, just a little, you perverted...

Then, all that was heard was unidentifiable profanities

Tifa finally came out, taking 2:45.

Tifa - I don't remember giving out any of those pictures. Who gave them out?

All of the people that went to the Girl Party (Tifa, Aerith, Yuffie, Rae, Kairi, Larxene, and Marluxia) said that they didn't, even though Yuffie, Rae, and Aerith didn't know what they were talking about.

Sam - Whatever. Aerith, you're next. Try not to explode when coming out.  
Rae - Nyea, or we'll have to use Sam's "In Case of Cra-zee Authoress" needle on ya!  
Aerith- Will I get Authoress powers?  
Sam- No, those are ours alone.  
Aerith- Aww...

Aerith came out with a time of 2 minutes, a good time, but not good enough to win.

Sam - Okay, now it's Xigbar's turn.  
Xigbar - I finally get to understand why Cloud is now Ms. Strife.

Xigbar's time came to 5 minutes, a total fail. But, he was laughing the hardest so far.

Xigbar - I hope your playing Strip Poker later, Cloud; we need to make sure that you're still a dude.

And Xigbar drew his guns on Cloud's fangirls before they could touch him.

Sam - Go Xigbar! (waves a flag between her teeth) Hey, can I get out of this straightjacket?  
Paramedics - NOE!!  
Sam - (pouty de pout)  
Rae - Luxord, go on in.  
Luxord - Fine'ly!

At 4 minutes and 15 seconds, Luxord finally came out. He didn't dare to say anything, though. Aerith and Tifa were guarding Cloud to prevent further teasing.

Sam - Ninja Yuffie! Go kick butt!  
Yuffie - (high fives at the screen)  
Sam - (forgets she's in a straightjacket and tries to highfive. Ends up falling off the stage.)  
Rae - Go ninja thieves! (actually high fives Yuffie, who was laughing at Sam)

2 minutes and 30 seconds later, Yuffie came out, her face looking as if it were going to explode because her smile was so big. She high-fived Beetlejuice, then took her seat.

Sam - Oooookaaay, then. Beetlejuice, your turn.  
Beetlejuice - Got it, babe.  
Sam - I SAID DON'T CALL ME THAT!!  
Beetlejuice - You're in a straightjacket now, so I can call you what I'd like, babe.  
Sam - GET ME OUTTA THIS THING NOW!!  
Paramedics - NEVA!!

Sam flailed about, yelling out strings of Glyphian and Aquarian curses at Beetlejuice. The paramedics gave her another In Case of Cra-zee Authoress shot, and she passed out.

Beetlejuice ended up failing, unable to figure out the puzzle.

Beetlejuice - Damn, that puzzle was hard. And I made it! Shit!

Yuffie had thrown one of her ninja stars at Beetlejuice's head, barely missing.

Yuffie - You idiot!  
Rae - What are you talking about? THIEF NINJA POOF!  
Sam - KIWI NINJA POOF!

Rae and Sam where in the living room now, Sam free of her straightjacket.

Sam - God, I'm stupid...  
Rae - Yeah, but I luff you anyway. But, back to business. What are you guys talking about?  
Beetlejuice - Ya see, I got ahold of a picture of Cloud at the Girl Party and made a puzzle out of it. My 'business' was switching the puzzles. Ain't I a genius, babe?  
Sam - STOP CALLING ME THAT!!

And Sam went Kiwi Ninja on the corpse's ass.

Rae - For switching out the puzzles, Beetlejuice and Yuffie are disqualified! Which means that Kairi is the HOH!!

The majority of the houseguests were happy for Kairi, giving her hugs and congratulating her, then Kairi was directed up to the HOH Room, where her prize was a truckload of candy! After eating about half of it, Kairi hatched a plan.

Kairi - I'ma gonna rig the cards during the poker game later, so Cloud and Tifa lose...XD So much fun!

Then, Kairi skipped away happily to go let everyone in on her plan. Well, everyone except Cloud and Tifa of couse.  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - Damn, I think this is our longest chapter yet.  
TF - Too bad, I like it.  
SB - Yeah, especially Kairi's little plan. Bound to make things a little interesting.  
TF - Next chapter is the Strip Poker game, the Food Competition, and the nominations.  
SB - Oh, and don't tell us who you think should be nominated or anything like that. TF and I already drew the names and have it all planned out.

We've also made this chapter a computer overloading jumbo chapter, so enjoy!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I the last chapter, we had the HOH competition, which Kairi won. It was a puzzle, which Beetlejuice and Yuffie had rigged by switching out the pictures of Rae and Sam with a pic of Cloud in makeup and drag at the Girl Party. They were disqualified. Kairi had come up with a plan of sorts (because of her sugar high) that involved the upcoming strip poker game, Luxord, Cloud, and Tifa. We'll turn our cameras on her to find out what her "dastardly" plan was.

Kairi (talking to Aerith and Yuffie in HOH room) - Okay, so here's the plan! I'm gonna rig the cards, so that when Luxord deals, everyone will get a good hand, 'cept Teef and Cloud.

Aerith - Oooh, I love it! Cloud... (TF - Yeah, so I think Aerith's completely checked out...)  
Yuffie - Yeah, it'll be 'specially funny once Big Boobs loses a few times. Talk about fan service!  
Kairi - What's a fan service?  
Yuffie - I'm not sure exactly, but Authoress Sam was talking about it, and she used Leon, shirtless, and fan service all in the same sentence, so I'm guessing that it -

Once again, the poor ninja was silenced, this time by Aerith.

Aerith - Yes, we understand. (releases Yuffie)  
Yuffie - (silent) MEANSMAKINGFANGIRLSHAPPY!! (smiles) Oopsies, guess it just slipped out.  
Kairi - Okay, back to my Evil Fanservice Plan!  
Yuffie - Hey, how 'bout we also rig Sephy's hand?

At the mention of the name Sephy, a Masamune that oddly resembled the one Sephiroth had with him 24/7 came through the door and thunked into the wall. The girls shared startled glances.

Yuffie - Okay, strike the Sephy-... roth plan.  
Kairi - Yeah. Let's go let Luxord know.

So, they went off to the Gameroom, where Luxord was already setting up for the game. They went through the same conversation with him, minus the flying Masamune, and Luxord agreed to help wholeheartedly. Then, Riku walked into the room.

Riku - I overheard your plan.  
Kairi - Oh, Riku! (sweat) Uh...are you gonna tell? (now sweating a lake)  
Riku - No, actually. I want in.  
Yuffie - Sure! (knocked down by Luxord, Aerith, and Kairi)  
Riku - If not, I will tell.  
Aerith - Fine...I guess we don't have a choice.

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP...

Now, everyone including Sam and Rae, and excluding Larxene and Marluxia (who are in their room having a girl's party again) was assembled at the table, some wearing their regular attire, others bundled up as if it were the dead of winter (the others being Sephiroth, Cloud, Tifa, and Demyx). And, we also had Axel, wearing nothing but a Speedo, and our authoresses both had extreme nosebleeds.

Luxord - So, is everyone ready?

Both murmured and enthusiastic yes's were heard. Luxord dealt out the first rigged hand. Axel was first.

Axel - It takes a real man to do two things. 1. Wear only a Speedo to a strip poker game. 2. Go All In.

And with that, Axel pushed all of his chips into the table. Kairi, Aerith, and Yuffie shared glances - Yuffie was next.

Yuffie - I'm feelin' lucky. I call.

Yuffie was All In as well. Riku was next, and he folded his cards. Everyone else around the table folded, not wanting to lose.

Sam - SHOW TEH CARDS!  
Yuffie - Pair of Aces  
Axel - Pair of Twos  
Sam - You went all in on a pair of twos? THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN BEAT!!  
Rae - Does this mean he strips? (TF- I'm not very familiar wit poker.)  
Sam - (pulls out a box of Kleenex) Yes, yes it does. (Sam and Rae plug up their noses)  
Axel - Fine.

So, he stood up and ripped the Speedo off (TF - In a blaze of fiery glory!). Sam and Rae passed out from blood loss.

Luxord - So, does that mean they're out?  
Sam - Nope! (Ninjas recover fast)  
Rae - Yeah, deal us in!

Luxord dealt out the next hand, and Yuffie was first, her chips doubled.

Yuffie - Hm...I bet 50 munny.

Everyone called her bet, and it was time for the flop.

Yuffie - 100 munny!

People were calling, then when it got around to Cloud, he raised.

Cloud - 150.

Then, Tifa raised it again.

Tifa - 200.

(SB - Okay, this is getting boring. We're doing another time skip.)

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP...

As we rejoin the group of poker players, they're stats have changed quite a bit.We have Sora, who's now only in his shorts, Riku, taken out of the game for running out of clothes (Rae passed out again from blood loss), Kairi was only in her undergarments (Sora passed out there), Axel was still there, naked and proud (and still holding the buckets that were filling with Rae and Sam's blood), Luxord was in his Org. XIII breifs, Demyx had ran out of clothes, then run away like the sissy he is, Xigbar was naked, Yuffie was still fully clothed, Aerith was in the same state as Kairi, Cid had run out of clothes and run away like Demyx, Sephiroth was down to his normal clothes, Sam still had her shirt, and Rae was in her (TF - Oh-so-skimpah) NASCAR bikini which she refused to take off, Cloud had only his pants and whatever was underneath, and Tifa was down to just her undershirt (guess who everyone was trying to make lose ;-).

(SB - From now on, we're just going to tell you who won and who lost so this doesn't end up being an extremely loooooong chapter.)

For the first round, Tifa won and Cloud lost. The deck wasn't rigged anymore; the Fanservice plan was already in action.

Tifa - Stand up, Cloud.

Cloud unwillingly stood up, already unbuttoning his pants. What else was there?

Tifa - Yeah, that works. Nice boxers.

Cloud had swords printed all over his boxers (Sam had another nosebleed while Cloud was taking his pants off. (SB - So sexay!!)

Next round - Kairi wins and Sora loses.

Kairi - Pants!

Sora stood up and tried to be graceful as he revealed his 'I Heart Kairi' briefs, but ended up falling down.

Kairi - Aw, that's so sweet! You wear briefs with my name on them! (hugs Sora, Sora nosebleeds)

Next round - Tifa win and Yuffie loses

Yuffie - Seriously?! I lost!?  
Tifa - Yup! Off with yeh shirt!

Yuffie complied, and revealed a training bra.

Sam - XD Yuff's flat!! I even have bigger boobs than that!! (smacked with the FoD and Yuffie's ninja stars)

Next round - Aerith wins and Sephiroth loses

Sephiroth - Aw, shit.  
Aerith - But he's oooollld. I don't wanna see him naked...  
Sephiroth - HA SHE FORFEITED! I DON'T HAVE TO LOSE ANY CLOTHES!  
Aerith - No, I never said that. I just said I don't want to see you naked. No shirt for Sephiroth! (temprarily leaves room)

Sephiroth grumbled a string of Glyphian profanities (SB - Wait, how the hell does he know Glyphian?), but took his shirt off anyways (Sam had an involuntary nosebleed; for an old guy, Sephiroth was verah sexy).

Next - Luxord wins and Kairi loses.

Luxord - But it feels weird making a little girl lose her clothes. Xigbar! Get me meh booze so I don't feel guilty!  
Luxord got hammered quickly, then faces Kairi. Rae drunk the remainder of it and was quickly hammered also.  
Luxord - Off with the 'hic' braaaa!!

Kairi unclasped it quickly, then sat down. Sora held back a nosebleed.

Sora - Can I have another hug, Kairi?  
Kairi - Sure! (hugs Sora, Sora passes out from blood loss)  
Riku - What about me, Kairi? I wanna feel teh- I mean, I need a hug, too.  
Kairi - No! If you wanna be pervy, ask big boobs for a hug. (Tifa smacks Kairi in the back of the head)

Next - Kairi wins and Rae loses.

Kairi - Wait, but I thought you weren't gonna take anything off.  
Rae - What'cha talkin' bout? Hell yeah I'm takin' smuthin' off.  
Kairi - Okay then, whatever you want.

Rae fumbles with her top, while turning to Axel.

Rae - Axel, I need a hug!!  
Sam - Damn you, Rae... (Takes out a stolen In Case of Cra-zee Authoress needle and jabs Rae.)  
Rae- X.x  
(TF - I don't think we should go 'till everyone's naked. We'd have to make it rated M.  
SB - Yeah, I think your right. So, we'll make (draws name) Sephiroth the winner!  
TF - Oooh, ooh, tell them about the hand where Cloud won and Tifa lost! We have to do that hand.  
SB - Yes, you're right.)

When Cloud had won and Tifa lost, we'd all voted that because Tifa had a pair of three's and Cloud had a Royal Flush, he got to take off her shirt for her. This led to the two of them running off to The Pink Room for some reason no one ('cept Yuffie maybe/definitely) will say.

Yuffie - They hooked it up!  
Sam - Shut the freakin hell up! We know what they did! (smacks with a kiwi)

Sam then went to make sure Demyx hadn't fallen and killed himself in the attic, and Demyx tried to seduce her (very, very, unsuccessfully). He ended up looking like a tiny version of Hugh Hefner on drugs. Kiwi smacks followed.

Beetlejuice had watched the entire game on his big moniter, and was laughing like a drunken horse.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - Well, we'd planned for the poker game to be shorter, so we'll jus' tell you who was nominated: CID AND BEETLEJUICE!!TF - Yeah. Hey, are you gonna tell them what everyone else did?  
SB - Meh, why not? So, Kairi and Sora ended up running off like Tifa and Cloud; Axel tried to get Sam and Rae to come back to his room for him, but the authoresses had tried to refuse, but Larxene then came in and shocked Axel (even though we sent her into a ballet dance. BALLET!!); Luxord was still hammered and offered to sleep with anyone; Xigbar, Yuffie, Aerith, Cid, Riku, and Rae all went straight to bed;  
TF - So, we'll get the next chapter up as soon as we can. Bye!


	3. Week 2 Pt 1

Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition

By: TokyoFreak and Sugar-tan

TF: Intro Time!!1!  
SB: Nice...anyways, yes, it's Intro Time.  
TF: (twitch twitch)  
SB: Okay, then. I guess I'll do the intro. Seeing as we already told you who was nominated (and I got TF with a In Case of Cra-zee Authoress), we'll skip over the nomination ceremony and go right to eliminations!  
TF: TURTLES WILL RULE THE WORLD!!  
SB: So while I dump out the rest of TF's Mexican Coke so this doesn't happen again, we'll go ahead and start the story.  
TF: NOOOO!! NOT THE MEXICAN ONES!! WHAT ABOUT MY HERITAGE?!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Previously on : Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition. The house got together for a strip poker game in an effort to prank Tifa and Cloud, ending with a bunch of new couples arising. The next morning, the Nomination Ceremony was held, and Kairi (HOH) nominated Cid and Beetlejuice (SB: Why? WHY YOU STUPID PLOT DEVICE!? I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL - (Is cut off when TF stabs her with a ICoC-ZA Needle), because Beetlejuice cheated and tried to look up Kairi's skirt, and Cid was being sexist. Again. For the millionth time. So now we rejoin the house where our authoresses, Sam and Rae, are sitting where Julie Chen used to be before she went 'missing'.

Sam: GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED CLICKER-THINGY!!  
Rae: DON'T MAKE ME GET WINNIE THE POOH OUT HERE!  
Sam: BUT I WANT THE CLIKER-THINGY! (steals it) HA-HA!!  
Rae: (gets out a Pooh plushie) FACE THE YELLOW TEDDY BEAR!  
Sam: (beats the stuffing out of the plushie with the clicker-thingy) Boom-Boss!  
Rae: (pulls a lever, raining Pooh plushies onto Sam) PWNAGE!! DON'T MESS WITH MY CLICKER-THINGY!  
Sam: (is buried under yellow fuzzy doom) SAVE MEEEEEE!!1!!one!!  
Random Sora Fangirl Population: DIE FOR INSULTING SORA!! (more Pooh death)  
Sam: Damn you, you whores...I'M TALKING TO YOU TO, RAE!!  
Rae: But I'm not a Sora fangirl. I just happen to have a boyfriend.  
Sam: (finally free of Pooh doom) I still say Jacob doesn't really exist.  
Rae: (more lever pulling and Pooh doom) YES HE DOES!! HE RUINED ONE OF MY SHIRTS!  
Sam: (free of Pooh doom again) Oh, yeah, that's the way to show your love. Anyways, let's get started. (clicks) HELLO HOUSEGUESTS!!

A few hellos come from the large monitor, and a group of rabid fans stand up from the audience, cheering wildly for Axel. Sam ditches her seat and joins them, only to tell them one thing.

Sam: Did you know that with a little Photoshop, he looks like Bill Kaulitz? (rabid Tokio Hotel fangirl twitch)

Then, all the fangirls scream that they love him even more if that was really possible, and Sam is dragged back to her seat by Rae. Sam had also forgotten to turn off the clicker, so Axel overheard what Sam had said.

Axel: Who's Bill Kaulitz? And why does he look like me?  
Sam: Actually, Axel, you look like him. He was born September 1, 1989, and you were born - er, created - a while later. Oh, and this is Bill. (pulls out her cell phone, which is loaded with Bill and Tom. Axel twitches)  
Axel: He looks like a chick...  
Sam: (twitch) DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU TO THE FUCKING FIREY DEPTHS OF HELL WHERE JOHNNY THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC WILL MAIM YOU!! DIE!!  
Axel: That sounds kinda fun. (wanders off while Sam gets beaten up by the Axel fangirls)  
Rae: And seeing as my co host as been virtually killed, I'll take over this announcement. Go ahead and vote, or whatever. TURTLESWILLRULETHEWORLD! Bai now!

Everyone goes into the room thingy, casts their votes, and Sam fights back the Axel fangirls just in time to hear the verdict.

Rae: And here's how the votes went. Beetlejuice...(dramatic pause)...3. And we can all guess who voted for him. (pointed looks at Aerith, Tifa, and Cloud)  
And Cid...(another dramatic pause)...the rest of the house. Cid, you have 5 minutes to pack your things, say goodbye, and get your ass out here or we'll forcibly remove you from the premesis.  
Sam: And by forcibly remove, we mean we'll use flamethrowers. (pulls out flamethrower with Chakram trigger and Axel wig)  
Axel: That's just creepy.  
Sam: Thank you!

Cid comes back into the main room with his few bags.

Yuffie: Bye Cid! Tell Shera hi!  
Marluxia: Don't ever make fun of Pink again. Her songs rule!  
Sam: Wow, now I have a sudden urge to go murder Pink, even though I loved her 5 seconds ago...(remembers Pink's music video for So What) Nevermind.

Demyx finally comes down from his prison in the attic, and sees that Cid is leaving.

Demyx - Does this mean I don't have to live in the attic anymore? Woot!!  
Everybody who lived with Cid - NOOOOOOES!! WE'RE GONNA DIE A WATERY, MUSICAL, MULLETY DEATH!!  
Demyx - (pouty de pout)  
Sam - Aw, that's okay. Yes, you get to live with them now instead of the scary attic.  
Demyx - (dances with random Dancer Nobodies that popped up)  
Sam - Okay, then. (looks around) Cid! Where did he go?  
Rae - He's right here. (points to a Cid sitting right next to Sam)  
Sam - Oh, okay. Here's where Julie would interview the loser and say that they'd be on the Good Morning Today in America show, but because Julie's on "vacation", we're skipping that. Buh-bye Cid!! (kicks the sexist bastard off screen where he's hauled away by the paramedics who double as security for the show)

After a few minutes, everyone has gone back to their rooms, leaving Rae and Sam alone with the cameras which are feeding suburbia mind-rot to teenagers across the world.

Rae - Now we're going to give Beetlejuice his assignment for the week.  
Sam - Yeah! (clicks a button, switching the view to a sleeping Beetlejuice, snoring loudly.) WAKE UP!! (starts singing loudly and badly)  
Beetlejuice - Augh! Shut up with Germanese!!  
Sam - TOKIOHOTELPWNAGE!! Okay. (deep breath) Good news! We have your first assignment!  
Rae - It is...(dramatic pause)...TO POKE LARXENE'S ATTENAE!!  
Beetlejuice - That's all?  
Sam - Yup! 'Cept you'll probably get burned to a crisp. Bye!

Sam and Rae dissapear from Beetlejuice's monitor, and he falls asleep again. A few minutes later, they switch their camera view to the Tatami Room, where they'd overheard some distrubing news.

Larxene - Little bastard...(paces the room)  
Marluxia - That must've hurt him. But, of course, I wouldn't know.  
Yuffie - Yeah, cuz you got no balls!!  
Marluxia - How many times do I have to tell you? (takes out the pink plastic bouncy-balls)  
Yuffie - Not that kind!  
Larxene - (smacks Yuffie) Shut up! Don't make my mood worse. That undead dude just tried to poke my hair -  
Yuffie - You mean antennae -  
Larxene - (smacks Yuffie again) my hair, and he got what he deserved.  
Marluxia - He deserved an electrified kunai to the place where no light shines?  
Larxene - YES HE DID!  
Yuffie - That was really funny.

Sam and Rae come in on the monitor.

Rae - As much as we're loving this conversation, it's time for The Food Competition!  
Sam - So get out into the main room!

Sam comes onto the loudspeaker, conjuring up her full lung capacity.

Sam - TIME FOR THE FOOOOOD COMPETITIIOOOON!! GET INTO THE BACKYARD NOW, MAGGOTS!!  
Rae - What are you, Albel?  
Sam - No. I don't wear man skirts.  
Rae - IT'S A SARONG!  
Sam - Riiiight...Sarong. Coughcoughskirtcough.  
Rae - Don't make me get the Pooh Plushies of Doom. Again.  
Sam - Let's just get into the backyard.

The two authoresses poofed into the 'backyard', which wasn't even a backyard. The paramedics/security/ninja decorating team had turned it into a giant kitchen.

Rae - Today you will be baking. Not cooking, baking.  
Sephiroth - What's the difference?  
Rae - Cooking is like making dinner. Baking is desserts.  
Sam - Yeah, so you're all makin' us some sweets!!  
Rae - Yup! We'll be taste testing the food you make, and the best ones won't be on slop. The worst ones will. We've decided that there will be seven winners, and the rest of you will eat only bland, tasteless oatmeal for the rest of the week. ONLY THE OATMEAL! And there will be some "special" ingredients added to it.  
Sam - So get cooking, maggots!! BTW the HOH is safe and will eat normal person food no matter what.

As Rae and Sam started bickering over Sam's use of the word 'Maggots' and 'Cooking', the houseguests started baking.

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP!! (TF - Yay Woops!!)

Everyone has finished their dishes, and it's the moment of truth. Now, our authoresses will taste each dish and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. The seven with the highest scores will be saved from The Slop (a.k.a. Sam and Rae's Special Oatmeal of Doom and Stomachaches)

Sam - First, we have Cloud! Bring us the yum!

Cloud brought up his dish, which looked like a few brown lumps.

Rae - What is this shit?  
Cloud - I call it 'Chocobo Chocolate Mud Pie'!  
Sam - Oh my god, you made chocolate out of a chocobo?! What the fuck is wrong with you, man!?  
Rae - Sam, that's just it's name. And you're tasting it.

Sam doesn't know what she should eat the lumps with, and decided on a spork (SB - a combination of the two most handy utensils!). Timidly, she took out a chunk of the goopy mass, and put it in her mouth. She spat it back behind her chair and it landed on a security/paramedic, then exploded on his face.

Sam - I give it a -500 Billion!! That was horrible!  
Rae - (recovering from her laughter) Okay, next we have Teef.  
Sam - You mean Teet, which sounds like the word for nipple, cause her boobs are ginormus!!  
Rae - Whatever, just bring the food, Teef.  
Tifa - (glaring at Sam) It's '7th Heaven Specialty Irish Ice Cream'.  
Rae - Okies! Irish num num time!

Rae digs into the ice cream while Sam holds back fits of giggles. Rae finishes the entire thing, then slumps down in her chair.

Rae - 1 (hiccup) Million!  
Sam - Why did you just eat that if you knew it was spiked?  
Rae - I ain't lettin' you have the (hic) lickur...you'd do somethin' stooopid. (starts twirling around and shouting 'Lover's Twirl Twirl Time! Tequila!')  
Sam - Yeah, I'd be the stupid one...Okay, next is 'No-Balls' Marly.

Marluxia comes up to the authoresses table glaring, but sets his tray down anyways.

Marluxia - I made Creme Brulee (said with a French accent).  
Sam - Yeah, nice job, ya little fag. Seeing as Eriru over here is hammered, I guess I have to eat it.

Sam, once again, has to spit it out. And it once again explodes, this time on Sora's face.

Sam - Oh, sorr-! Wait, nevermind. Hey, Marly, give me more of that to spit at Sora!  
Marluxia - No!

Then, Rae twirled into Marluxia and his Creme Brulee of doom fell on Sephiroth, blowing his face off. The Masamune and Marly became lovers then, and Marly had to be taken away for a while for reconstruction.

Sam - That means he's disqualified and is on slop. Well, he would've been anyways because his food was shit and exploded. Now, it's Larxene. Come up here, Power Circuit!

Larxene brought her food up, narrowly avoiding the twirling doom that Rae was.

Larxene - I made Roasted Dona- I mean, Roasted Duck. Most certainly not a Disney character that happens to be a duck, nope!  
Sam - Whatever. Rae's still smashed, I get to eat the roasted bird.

Sam took a bite of the bird, then scarfed the entire thing down in the next 2 bites.

Sam - On a scale of one to ten, it's a Million Kajillion Trillion Billion!! That was awesome! I didn't know Larxene could cook...

Sam sat Rae down and forced Xigbar up.

Xigbar - I tried to make a cake, but I got pissed. (holds out a pile of frosted mush with a few bullet holes in it)  
Rae - (Immediately sobers up at the sight of the "cake", which had just moved) GYAAAAHHH!! It mo-oved!! I can't eat that!!Sam - I had to have the 'Chocobo Crap', so you eat this!!  
Rae - (eyes the thing known as "cake") DOWN TEH HATCH!! (swallows in one bite while holding nose)  
Sam - Are you dead yet?  
Xigbar - See? It's not so bad!  
Rae - GYAAAAAHHH!! I feel it moving in mah tummy!! ARE GASTRIC ACIDS NOT ENOUGH TO DESTROY THIS FOUL BEAST?!  
Xigbar - Uhhhhhh... Demyx poisoned it!! I swear!!  
Demyx - Did not!!

The medics had to rush Rae away for a stomach pump. The next thing that moved, she said, Sam had to eat.

Riku - I guess I'm next. I made sugar cookies.  
Sam - ME!! i AM NAMED SUGAR!!  
Rae - No. I just ate a living creature, and these look good, so BACK OFF.  
Riku - Hope you like.  
Rae - Of course I will! (10,000 volt smile) Itadakimasu!!  
Sam - Please let her explode, pleasepleaseplease...  
Rae - KYAAAAAAA!  
Sam - Are you exploding?!  
Rae - These... are the best...cookies ever! (faints from love!)

Next up was Sora. Unfortunately for Sam, she had to eat whatever he had made. Sam was a sad authoress.

Sora - I tried to make a cobbler, but...  
Sam- GYAAAAHHH!! It moved!! I can't eat that!!  
Rae - That's MY line!! Eat u-hup!  
Sora - Does it really look that bad?  
Rae and Sam - Y.E.S.  
Sam - And I refuse to eat it. One - I don't want a stomach pump. That wasn't on the agenda for today. Two - I HATE YOU!! Why would I ever dare even spit at anything you made?  
Rae - If you don't eat it, Sora wins.  
Sam - That is true, but if I do eat it, I get sick and he loses. Hmm...decisions, decisions...  
Rae - Hey, I'm fine, and you have an iron stomach.  
Sam - Fine. But if anything goes wrong, you and Retard there are both dead.

Sam tried the cobbler, and threw up everything she'd eaten, which came out in a very chocolaty mess (SB - That's probably what would happen. Chocolate is the major food group in my diet!).

Sam - Little bastard... (chases Sora around, burning his pants with her Axel flamethrower.) TAKE THIS, MR. I HEART KAIRI BRIEFS!! YOU RETARD! HOW ARE YOU THE MAIN CHARACTER?? HELL, MANSEX WOULD BE A BETTER MAIN CHARACTER THAN YOU!! AND YOUR NOBODY, ROXAS; WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM!? BRAIN-DEAD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T REPRODUCE - YOU'RE THE RESULT!! I -- (is cut off by an extra strength dose of ICoC-ZA and put in a straightjacket)  
Rae - Sorry Sora. Since I had to knock her out, you get a 0.  
Sora - (pouty McPout pout)  
Rae - Next is...Yuff! Sam, wake up, it's still your turn.

Sam just snored on seeing as she was given an extra strenght ICoC-ZA.

Rae - Fine, I'll do it.  
Yuffie - I made some Rice Pudding!  
Rae - Yum! Gimme.

And Rae scarfed down the entire bowl.

Rae - I give it a 9.5.  
Yuffie - Why didn't I get the other .5?  
Rae - Because I'm not a big pudding fan.

Yuffie pouted a bit, but settled for her score nonetheless.

Sam (finally awake) - Who's next, Rae?  
Rae - (looks at papers) Axel. And it's your turn.  
Sam - Yay!! Come here, Bil - I mean, Sexa - I mean, Ren -, I mean, Axel! Yeah, Axel! That's the right one.

Axel walks up, seeming almost embarrased, and reveals a charred glob of mush that was smoking.

Sam - Um, what was it supposed to be?  
Axel - Baked Alaska. But I baked it too long.  
Rae - They should call it Burnt Alaska from now on.  
Sam - (smacks Rae) Don't make fun of Bi-Se-Re-Axel's food.

All of a sudden, the cake burst into flames and threatened to burn down the entire house. Luckily, the paramedics/security/firemen put it out.

Sam and Rae - Is there anything those guys can't do?  
Sam - Since I can't eat it, it has to be disqualified. Sorry. Next, it's Luxord.

Luxord walks up in his sexah British swagger, and reveals yummy looking crumpets (SB - Whatever the hell a crumpet is).

Sam - Yay! Finally, something good! All I've had is Larxene's duck that ISN'T Donald.

And Sam wolfed the crumpets down.

Sam - I can't think of a number right now. You're somewhere between Tifa and Larxene.  
Luxord - Yes! (skips off merrily to his Gameroom)  
Rae - But...he's not Marluxia.  
Sam - No, no, he's just happy. Next, Rae has to eat Beetlejuice's food.  
Beetlejuice - I made an undead pie. (an arm sticking out reaches for Rae's throat)  
Rae - No way! (shoots it down with a machine gun)  
Sam - (pokes the pie) It's a Ms. Lovett pie, 'cept a million times worse. Haha, you have to eat it!  
Rae - (shoots the pie into oblivion with a bazooka) Yum, it tasted horrible.  
Sam - Aw man! I wanted to show that to Tim Burton!  
Rae - And next is...Aerith! Dazzle me with something good.  
Aerith - I made rasberry tarts.  
Rae - Those are my favorites! I love you, now gimme!

Rae ate everything, including the little tray the tarts were on.

Rae - I give it a million.  
Now, everyone who got a score under 5, who's food was disqualified/blown up/shot into oblivion, you're all on slop. The rest of you are fine.  
Sam - NOW GO BE HAPPY!! OR DIE!! THEN WE'LL GIVE YOUR CORPSE TO BEETLEJUICE TO BE ANOTHER UNDEAD PIE!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - I think that's a good place to end this chapter. I'm really tired, so we can do the...whatever...thingy...tomorroww...(snores)  
TF - While SB is asleep, I'll take this moment to tell you to go read Johnny the Homicidal Maniac! Kiddies, it will teach you about life!  
SB - Poor Squee...C'mon Devi, give him another chance...stop yelling...  
TF - You can see that SB likes JtHM. And 'Nny is smexay! (Twirls again)  
SB - Keep that up and you'll be 'Nny's next victim...  
TF - Yay! Fun fun!  
SB - Won't be so fun when you're disembowled with a spork. Wait, what's Alucard doing here? No, don't hurt 'Nny, Alucard! Auuugh!! So...much...sexy people blood...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - So we lied!! We're continuing this chapter!  
TF - Hypocrite.  
SB - Well your a hippocampus!!  
TF - I'm not a horse fish thingy!  
SB - Right. Let's just get on with the HOH competition.  
TF - Still continue reading Johnny the Homicidal Maniac!  
SB - Or JtHM, if you prefer. It's shorter!! Anyways, we'll go ahead and draw the winner now. Read on to find out who was chosen!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

We rejoin the houseguests at breakfast the next day, and are watching them bitch about the various problems with their slop. The ones that got real food are seperate so they aren't disgusted by the losers' food.

Axel - (throws up a flaming pile of crap) Sorry. I had to start a fire within myself to kill it and get it out of me.  
Xigbar - Well at least you didn't have to shoot your food down, man!!  
Axel - At least I'm not stoned 24/7!

Then Xigbar started chasing Axel around the house, firing at him, and Axel ran backwards trying to burn the Freeshooter's face off. The rest of the Slop Group watched for a few minutes, then went back to their sad attempts of choking down the slop.

Sam and Rae - POOF!!  
Sam - QUIT WRETCHING, YOU WIMPS! It's time for the next HOH competition!  
Rae - So into the backyard with you! The winners had a lovely feast of their choice and are already in the backyard waiting.  
Sam - SO HURRY UP!

And the duo poofed away.

When they poofed back in, everyone was in the backyard, standing around like idiots. There were sets of stands labeled with everyone's names and a mini whiteboard resting on top of the label.

Sam - Everyone in your places!!  
Rae - Except Kairi. She can't participate because she was the HOH last week.  
Sam - Here's how this game will work. It's Kingdom Hearts -- er, I mean, World Trivia! Yeah, we'll go with that. Rae and I will ask you a question, and you write your answer down on the whiteboard. If you get the answer correct, you get to stay in the game. If not, YERRRRRRRR OUUUUUUUUUT!!  
Rae - She has an addiction to Caps Lock. Let's get started!

Everyone took their places, except Sora and Demyx. Those two idiots got themselves mixed up.

Rae - Oh, whatever, it works. First question --  
Sam - What is Xemnas's nickname?  
Rae - Everyone should get this one right.  
Sam - SHOW BOARDS!

The group held up their boards, and our authoresses checked their answers.

Sam - Yay! No one's out!  
Rae - That's right. The correct answer(s) were Mansex and Sexman! Next question --  
Sam - What 2 holidays do Halloweentown attempt to celebrate?  
Rae - If you miss this one, your an idiot.

Some people wrote down their answers immediately, but Demyx, and Sora had to think for a few minutes.

Sam - Show boards!

Everyone except Demyx and (kinda) Sora had the correct answer. Demyx said 'Halloween and New Year's'. Sora drew a picture of a pumpkin and a Christmas tree (SB - A very bad one, at that).

Rae - Demyx is out, and I guess we'll have to give that one to Sora.  
Sam - Damn you...(shakes angry fist)  
Rae - Now, now. Don't make us get the straitjacket. I even had it monogrammed!  
Sam - DAI!! (chases Rae around with Axel flamethrower)  
Paramedics - SHE'S OVERLOADING!! TAKE COVER!

Sam's head began smoking and a small POP was heard, and then...

Marluxia - Is that it?  
Larxene - No, there's more... TAKE COVER!!  
Yuffie - OH GAWD SHE'S GONNA CAUSE A NUCULAR EXPLOSION!  
Beetlejuice - So? I'm a ghost. I can survive that.  
Kairi - BUT WE AREN'T!! DIE YOU UNDEAD FREAK!! (chases Beetlejuice with a meat cleaver)  
Beetlejuice - Uh oh.  
Sam - SHUT THE FUCK UP!!  
Rae - There's your explosion.  
(SB - Please note - I have iron lungs, and I get really, really, really, really, really, really loud, so if you haven't actually heard me scream at my full volume, you probably won't understand why that scream is an explosion. I'll try to get a clip of me screaming on YouTube soon so you can understand.)

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!! WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!!

Rae - And the winner is...  
Sam - Cloud!! Come up here and get the keys to your new room, Smexay!  
Cloud - Just toss them to me. (cowers from the fangirlness)  
Sam - Fine...  
Tifa and Aerith - (weeping) No! A week without Cloud! Noes!!  
Sephiroth - Deal with it.  
Aerith - (throws a ton of white materia at Sephiroth)

And Sephiroth ran away screaming like a ninny for the 3rd time.

Rae - That never gets old...(pops popcorn)  
Sam - Now go be happy with your moosey fates!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

SB - Okay, this is the real end of the chapter.  
TF - Next chapter is Big Brother Fast Forward, where two houseguests will be going! Hey, what was with the Moosey Fate thing?  
SB - (shockandawe) Invader ZIM!!  
TF - I know, but why?  
SB - I dunno. I've been addicted to watching that lately. (rolls around like GIR)  
TF - Me too. (joins the rolling) EVERYBODY DO IT!  
SB - Now I'm off to get my piggy, eat some walnuts, give some hugs, and make some waffles and bacon soap!  
TF - TEQUILA!


	4. Week 2 Pt 2

Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition  
By: TokyoFreak and SugarBaby

TF - So, who shall be om-nominated?  
SB - I dunno. We'll draw it now.  
(Intro Intermission!)  
TF - So it is decided!!!! Marluxia and Demyx!SB - Aw, I feel bad for Dem-Dem. Sure, he's a wimp and tried miserably to seduce me, but he shouldn't go home!!!  
TF - There's still the veto competition, dumbass.  
SB - THEN I'LL COMPETE TO SAVE DEM-DEM AND SEND NO BALLS HOME!!  
TF - Uh, you can't.  
SB - Why not? We make up the rules - who says I can't?  
TF - Kyra Nee-chan.  
SB - KYRA'S IN YOUR STORY!!  
TF - Since I'm in this story, she followed me. Plus, I got an (insert here) letter from her. She's the producer, after all.  
SB - Damn. Lemme see the letter.

Dear (Insert Authoresses Here),  
I heard you wanted to enter the (Insert Competition Name Here), and I would like to tell you that you can't. It's for (Insert Contestants' Names Here) participation only.  
With No Love,  
(Insert Authoress's Niece's Name Here)

SB - I really hate Kyra sometimes...  
TF - So do I...so do I. And the challenge was going to be fun today.  
SB - Whoop-de-fuckin-doo. What is it?  
TF - You'll find out soon enough. WARNI-ING- mild Yuffentine in this chappeh, so all Yuffentine flames will be used to roast marshmallows. OM NOM-NESS!  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx  
Previously on: Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition! A Food Competition was held to see who would have to eat slop (which is really a concotion the authoresses create with a main ingredient of bland and tasteless oatmeal). Cloud, Marluxia, Xigbar, Sora, Demyx, and Axel were set to the slop, and Tifa, Riku, Larxene, Yuffie, Kairi, and Aerith were spared their slop-y doom. Then, the HOH competition was held - a trivia contest about the different worlds and the people of the worlds. Cloud ended up winning, and we rejoin the group to see the nomination ceremony.

Cloud - Everyone in the main room! Nomination time!!  
(SB - So we lied a bit!!)

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP!!! (SB - Can you tell I like Wayne's World? XD)

Demyx - No! It's not fair that I'm nominated! Why am I nominated anyways?  
Marluxia - Because you're annoying.  
Cloud - Exactly.  
Sam - (random poof and smacks Cloud and Marly) Leave him alone!! (hugs Demyx and poofs away just as Tifa and Aerith lunge for her, leaving Demyx their victim) Sorry, Dem-Dem!!  
Marluxia - Why am I nominated, Cloud?  
Cloud - Because your stuff supplied the girl party, and I hate you.  
Marluxia - (gay man pout)  
Rae - Well, know that we know who the nominated party is, go wander and be your freaky selves. Bye!!

Later, in the Tatami Room, Yuffie heard a certain Their Ninja Poof and was called into the darkest corner of the room right next to Larxene's bed.

Yuffie - Yes, Rae?  
Rae - Hey Yuffs, I can get Vincent in here if you do something for me.  
Yuffie - What would that be?  
Rae - (laughs evily) If you can replace his black Materia that Sephy has on him all the time with some of Aerith's white Materia...  
Yuffie - No problem! (salute)  
Rae - 'Kay. I'll go get Vincent when your done.  
Yuffie - Yay, Vinnie!! (skips away merrily)  
Rae - Nya ha ha ha!- Theif Ninja Poof! AGAIN!!!

That evening, Sam came on the giant main monitor.

Sam - TIME FOR THE VETO COMPETITION!!!! GET IN HERE!!!

The group filed into the room, taking their places.

Rae - It will be an endurance competition. You have to endure things that are torturous to your personality. This may be hard for some of you, so we'll tell you what it is first, and you can decide to drop out or not.  
Sora - Endless Mah Jong.  
Riku - Getting his hair dyed blonde w/ pink highlights.  
Kairi - Watching 12 hours straight of female bashing.  
Axel - Reading every AkuRoku fanfiction on (and that's a lot of yaoi!!).  
Luxord - Playing Texas Hold 'Em against a rigged computer.  
Demyx - Watching bunnies get mutilated.  
Marluxia - Watching 12 straight hours of lesbo porn.  
Larxene - Holding her breath underwater for at least 5 minutes.  
Xigbar - Going to the shooting range with only blanks.  
Cloud - Endless Girl Party.  
Yuffie - Watching Materia get smashed.  
Tifa - Watching all the CloudxAerith scenes/reading all the fanfics.  
Aerith - Watching her death over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...  
Sephiroth - Chinese White Materia Torture.  
Beetlejuice - Listening to Juno's lectures endlessly. (That's his old boss)  
Sam - Anyone wanna drop out?

And Sora, Riku, Kairi, Larxene, Xigbar, Yuffie, Tifa, Aerith, and Beetlejuice raised their hands.

Sam - You ninnys. Alright, fine. Go hide in your rooms. The rest of you have 2 minutes to prepare. GOGOGO!!!

Luxord came out of his room first with fuzzy dice tied around his left wrist.

Sam - Uh, what are those?  
Luxord - Good luck charm, love. Got 'em in Vegas.  
Sam - Oooh! Rae and I are from Vegas!! Cool!! What casino are they from?  
Luxord - The Sahara.  
Rae - I love the roller coaster there! And the poker room! It's like That 70's Show!  
Luxord - I like her.

Next, Cloud was back in the main room carrying stacks and stacks of Playboy dating back to the 70's.

Rae - Nice. Did you hide those under your matress?  
Cloud - No, they were in my big red scarf. What did you think was in all that extra space?  
Everyone - (twitcheh de twitch)

Axel was the next one out bringing mysterious pictures of a certain blond antennaed girl while in the shower.

Sam - Yeah, I'm not gonna ask how you got those.  
Larxene - PREPARE TO DIE!!!  
Axel - I'M FOREVER FAITHFUL!  
Sam and Rae - (head shake) Tut tut.

Demyx rejoined the group, clutching a bunny plushie that looked mysteriously like the one in Ouran High School Host Club. (TF - huh?)

Sam - Demyx?  
Demyx - YES, SAM!?  
Sam - Did you steal Mr. Bun-Bun?!?!?  
Demyx - NO!! (shifty eyes)  
Rae - Who?

Marly came out, clutching something underneath his cloak.

Sam - Demyx, if you find out what Marly's hiding I won't tell that you stole the bunny!  
Rae - :3 who again?  
Demyx - (after a brief fight with Marly) It's another thong! (waves it around)  
Everyone - (Another twitcheh de twitch)  
Marluxia - You little...(mauls Demyx)

Sephiroth came out with his man purses (or "murses") full of "black" Materia, which had been switched out by Yuffie already. Rae had to force back her giggles.

Rae - So is that everyone? Good, lets start! And by random draw, we have...Marly! Get into the Video Room to start your pornographic torture!!

Marluxia slowly walked into the room, holding his thong so tightly his knuckles were turning white.

Sam - Damn, that dude needs a life. Since Marly's takes 12 hours to do, we'll go ahead and start the --

Before Sam could finish, Marluxia came running out, screaming and crying.

Marluxia - The boobs....the BOOBS!!! ASDFGHJKL;!!!!!! (passes out)  
Rae - Okaa-aayy....Next up is Sephy!! (narrowly dodges the thrown Masamune, which instead hits the unconsious Marluxia, whom the paramedics/security/firemen take in for surgery.) -Roth. Is what I meant.

Seeing as Sephiroth was now Masamune-less, Sam and Rae attacked him and he was soon strapped to a gurney that was provided by the paramedics/security/firemen.

Sam - Start the Materia!!! Rae, you go ahead and start the next one, I'll monitor Sephiroth.  
Rae - Allll-righty. Next, Cloud! Into the Pink Room with you, where Aerith, Tifa, Yuffie, Larxene and Kairi get to have an endless Girl Party!!  
Cloud - Nooooooooooo! (dragged away, kicking and screaming, by the group of girls)  
Rae - Meh, I trust those girls not to cheat, so we'll get another one going. Demyx, into the video room for your bunny tor-ture.

Demyx went into the room and was right back out in 30 seconds.

Demyx - So...much...bunny blood! (cries)  
Sam - It's okay, Dem-Dem!!  
Rae - Yeah whatever. Axel, it's your turn. The computer is in the video room, and the paramedics/security/firemen/stage hands/authoress assistants will show you what to read.

And Axel was sent away.

Rae - And that just leaves Luxord! Into the Gameroom with you! (Said with a British accent)  
Luxord - With pleasure, love. I'll beat your torture!  
Rae - Sure ya will. Sam, how's Sephy coming along?  
Sam - (laughing) His black Materia was replaced, so he just dumped a bunch of white Materia on himself, and I think his flesh is starting to melt!Rae - Yuffie did her job. I gotta get Vin-nie!  
Sam - Eh?  
Rae - LOOK!! AXEL PORNO!!!  
Sam - (nosebleeds and faints)  
Sephiroth - GET IT OFF ME!! GET IT OFF ME!!!  
Rae - Do you forfeit?  
Sephiroth - IF IT GETS IT OFF ME, THEN YES! I FORFEIT I FORFEIT!!  
Rae - Okay, Sam. Unstrap him and let him clean up.  
Sam - (revived)Yeah yeah in a few minutes. (laughs at the melting flesh)  
Rae - Axel, how's your yaoi reading coming along?  
Axel - (twitch) When did Roxas and I do THAT? What is wrong with you people??  
Sam - Oh, there's a lot wrong with the AkuRoku fans.  
Rae - Sssshhhh!  
Sam - Okay, I guess it's time to save Sephiroth. (unstraps him and he runs off to his room)  
Rae - Let's see...how's Cloud doing? (Pink Room comes up on the monitor)  
Sam - Where is he?  
Rae - Well, there's Kairi...and there's Aerith...and that one is definently Tifa... and there are the other two... so that one's probably Cloud.  
Cloud - SAVE ME!!  
Sam - Do you give?  
Cloud - AUGH!! YES I give!  
Rae - 'Kay girls, let Cloudette go. (Cloud runs into his room to fix himself) He has a horrible habit of crossplaying.  
Sam - No amount of Playboy could've saved that poor man's masculinity...  
Rae - His hair and sword make up for what he "lacks" in size. Or just plain lacks. Heheheh! Let's see how Axel's doing again.

The Video Room showed up on the monitor, catching Axel with his back turned to the camera and computer.

Sam - Axel, what in the name of all that is chocolatey are you doing?  
Axel - Save me...too much yaoi....  
Sam - So is that an official forfeit?  
Axel - Yes, yes!! Just save me!  
Rae - Okay Super People. Let him out.

And Axel was carried out by the paramedics/security/firemen/stage hands/authoresses assistants, now nicknamed the Super People.

Sam - So Luxord wins by default!  
Rae - (brings up the Gameroom on the monitor) So what-cha doin' Luxord?  
Luxord - Kicking this computer's sorry ass!  
Rae - 0.o So he wins by default and by winning...Okay, Luxord, you have an hour to decide what to do with the veto. Until then...  
Sam and Rae - BE HAPPEH AND ENJOY THE BACON SOAP!!!

SB AND TF TIME SKIP!!! WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP!!!

3 Hours later.

Luxord - And that is why I'm not using the veto.  
Everyone else - Zzzzzz.....  
Luxord - WAKE UP!!!  
Rae - GAH! Not the Zombie Kyras! Wait, what? Oops. Musta' dozed off there.  
Sam - Fai' moar mins....  
Demyx - (Actually awake) WAAAHAHH!!! Why won't you save me?!?!  
Axel - Cuz you're annoying.  
Beetlejuice - Yeah, what the pyro over there said.  
Axel - I'm NOT a pyro, you old fag!!!  
Beetlejuice - I age well, don't I?  
Marluxia - Not down there, Joe....  
Larxene - Wake up, you gay dumbass! (shocks Marluxia)  
Marluxia - OWCH! That hurt! Oh, crap.  
Aerith - Not the Temple of the Ancients... I die there.... ZZZZZ...  
Sephiroth - Yes, Mother... Meteor is ready...  
Luxord - Am I THAT boring?  
Rae - Not usually, but your speech took three fuckin hours.  
Sora - Mmmmmm... Kairi cookies....  
Tifa - (glomping Cloud) I love you, Cloud.  
Cloud - (Tifa's boobs are in his face) Heheheheh.... Thanks Luxord.  
Riku - Not my hair... It took so long to get it ri-- huh? (wakes up) uhhhh... nevermind.  
Kairi - Hurry back Sora, or I'll maim you..... Nami-chan...HE FORGOT ME!?!?! zzzz...  
Sora - Doesn't that sound fun.  
Sam - Huh.. OH!!! WAKE UP, FAGGOTS!!!  
Everyone who is asleep - GYAAAHHH!  
Tifa - Eeek! (runs away)  
Sora - Kairi, don't maim me. Please.  
Kairi - Huh? Why would I do that?  
Rae - Yuuuuuuu-fieeee!! I have a surpriii-ise for you!  
Yuffie - Finally! REUNIONNNNNN!  
Sephiroth - MOTHER!!! (glomps Yuffie)  
Yuffie - GAH!! Save meh!!  
Rae - (stabs Sephy with an ICC-ZA needle.) Com'mon, Yuffs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In a dark Tatami room, which was illuminated only by a small night-light bell (read Aqua), three dark figures stood out. One was tall and had what looked like a cape, two others were skinny and, well really skinny. The first figure stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Vincent Valentine. The other two were none other than Yuffie and Rae.

Vincent - Why am I here again. I have to go and atone for my sins.  
Yuffie - VINNIE!!! (Glomps Vincent)  
Vincent - Hello, Yuffie. Now, please explain this.  
Yuffie - I made a deal with Rae.  
Rae - Ya got that right XD! We're the best thieves in teh WO-OORRRRLLLDDDZ!!  
Yuffie - We replaced Sephiroth's Black Materia with White!!!  
Vincent - ........  
Rae - I'll just go now. Wouldn't wanna waste your time. (whisper) Can that man say anything but "......."?  
Vincent - Yes, I can.  
Rae - Gak! BAI!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

TF - Seeing as we are all outta ideas, I'll just end this here. BAIBAI!  
SB - JOHNNY!!!!  
TF - I am thinking of writing a Yuffentine story, so if you support me, go review saying so on my story, Kingdom Hearts Therapy.  
SB - She is so shameless at self-advertising.


End file.
